Aka: The Screenplay (adapted from the unfinished Aka: The Stage play) First of three
aka: the screenplay
by Jason Cunningham
FULL SCREEN POLAROID
colour suggests 1980’s period as well as dress. young red headed boy is wearing black suit with bow tie. Music begins to play. MUSIC begins, either Instrumental intro to Cheers (“Where Everybody Knows Your Name”) or “Mother” by John Lennon. The photo has written on block letters at bottom “Cunning ham at 5, first day, Kindergarten” and a black marker has scribbled out what is presumably a location, and instead “Kildura” is written. Four other photos follow, each of red haired boy. In one he holds stubby bottle of beer. Another shows him crosslegged watching an old big box TV, which has the logo for “Cheers” on it. Then one of him reading Pinocchio. Last one thrown down on top of stack is of a Fiero, red head BOY stands in front of car looking troubled, with Alf doll in one hand, book in other. Reads, “last day in Kildura, age 7”.
(Child’s voice trying to sound like adult)
Oh, hello there kiddies!
MEDIUM SHOT OF BLACKENED STAGE
As spotlight reveals to the left of it, BOY in same suit as first photo, he walks into light and, covering eyes with hands as though blinded at first, then puts on sunglasses that are like Terminator 2. BOY snaps fingers and lights dim slightly, allowing him to remove glasses. Snaps fingers again and directors chair is lowered HONOURSFIRSTTHIRD.docxstage. Snaps one more time, and MUSIC which was already fading, is completely cut off.
I always wanted to play myself in a movie. This is so fucking cool.
Offstage voice of WOMAN
Jay give it up with that cursing or your getting your arse reddened!
Nan I said this truck my nanny got me is awesome!
CAMERA CUTS FROM MEDIUM TO CLOSE UP OF BOY
Anyway. To my fans I just want to say, you should expect this to be the single greatest movie you have EVER EVER seen. It has everything. I think it’s got scary stuff like in Return of the Living Dead. And funny stuff like in Cheers. And lots of magical stuff like in Pinocchio. Best of all it has a happy ending. I mean, I think it does. To be honest I only got the first part of the script. My ass- I mean jerk of a co-Director Arthur keeps telling me I can only know my part, something about continuity or something? Anyway, who cares! This is fucking amazing!
Take your truck outside Mr. Cunningham! Nanny needs to clean up!
LIGHTS DIM KEYHOLE STYLE
WHEN KEYHOLE SHOT IS REVERSED SCENE IS OF MASSIVE BACKYARD NOT STAGE ANYMORE PLAYING OFF THE IDEA THAT IT IS ADAPTATED FROM STAGE. MASSIVE STRETCH OF LAND FILLED WITH BIRTCH TREES AND GOOSEBERRY BUSHES AND A FENSE MADE OF DRIFTWOOD ADORN SCENE. CAMERA DOES CRANE LIFT TO REVEAL OT IS MASSIVE BACKYARD. CAMERA RETURNS TO JAY BEHIND HIM IS GREEN HOUSE HE IS WALKING DOWN PORCH STEPS INTO YARD.
BOY introduces himself as JAY, henceforth script reverts to this.
So this is my favorite place during the day. I prefer my TV time at night of course. Nan won’t let me play out here then anyway, and besides Cheers is on!
CUTS TO BRIEF STILL-LIKE SHOT OF CROSS LEGGED JAY FROM EARLIER
Mom and Nan call me Jason some time but I like Jay. My favorite bird is the Blue Jay. I’m pretty sure there is no bird called the Jason. Next year I’m going to like Jason more though because I get to rent Friday the 13th part 2, and then my new hero is Jason Vorhees!
JAY LOOKS DISTRACTED BY SOMETHING OUT OF OUR VIEW, AS THOUGH SOMEONE IS TALKING TO HIM, VIEWER HEARS INAUDUBLE MUMBLE AS THOUGH CHARLIE BROWN’S TEACHER IS SPEAKING. MUMBLES END.
(returning eyes to center of screen no longer distracted)
My director says I can’t have too many spoilers. I don’t know what the fuck those even are,
JAY LOOKS BEHIND AS THOUGH TO MAKE SURE NOBODY HEARS HIM CURSE
Anyway I should show you around. Here is my tire swing. Here is where I play the majority of my GI. JOE games, and over there is where Nan throws bread crumbs on the shed of the weirdo next door. He has thick glasses like the guy in Seein’ Things. I wonder if he has the same psychic powers as him!
JAY walks toward fence and looks up at Blue Jays gathered on neighbor’s shed-roof.
 from ‘Movie Reviews By Cunningham’